


Dear, Tsukki / Love, Yams

by nymphetsbastard



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst and Feels, Fluff and Angst, Haikyuu!! AU Week, Heavy Angst, Hospitals, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-17
Updated: 2020-09-17
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:15:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26514298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nymphetsbastard/pseuds/nymphetsbastard
Summary: In which Yamaguchi Tadashi destroys his friendship with the love his life and writes him letters everyday to compensate as the world goes on around him.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 7
Kudos: 69
Collections: YAMANGST





	Dear, Tsukki / Love, Yams

_Dear Tsukishima,_

_I am so so so so sorry for today. I didn’t mean to scare you off or make you angry, i’m sorry for making you punch me in the face. I wish i didn’t love you and i’m sorry i do because you don’t like me back and i would never want to make you uncomfortable or hate me...kinda already did that though, huh? Also, sorry about Kageyama trying to defend me by grabbing your shirt— that was mean and i already told him to apologize, although i don’t think he actually will. Yachi and Hinata are pissed...i’m sorry, tsukki. please don’t hate me._

_Love, Yams <3_

_Dear Tsukishima,_

_Life’s going on yet you still hate me and i’m sorry. I tried to talk to you after graduation but you were talking to Akiteru so i waited...and waited...and you never came. Maybe you didn’t see me...but you talked to everybody else. I am truly sorry, Tsukki. I’m sorry you don’t like me in that way, I’m sorry i made you angry, I’m sorry you’re not gay. But you’re still my best friend..._ _.right?_

_Love, Yams <3  
  
_

_Dear Tsukishima,_

_Out of all the people in the world to tell, i’m surprised you didn’t tell Akiteru. I know you guys aren’t the best of friend but when i came over to apologize again, he was confused and asked why. I didn’t tell him though! I didn’t want to invade on your life, especially after what i did. On the bright side, me and yachi are going to the same college_ _together. You’re going too, right? I hope you forgive me by then, I don’t want to give up on years of friendship, Tsukki. We’ve been together since we were kids and if me having some silly little crush on you makes you not wanna be around me, then i can get over it. I don’t have to liek you if you don’t want me to. ~~Just...please don’t leave me, Tsukki.~~_

_Love, Yams <3_

_Dear Tsukishima,_

_Very mature, tsukki, pretending you don’t know me even though we’ve spent all of elementary, middle and high school together. I tried to talk to you and apologize but of course, you ignored me. How many times do i have to say i’m sorry? Why—How could throw away all those years over something like this? Please just give an answer. If yachi, hinata, kageyama, hell even nishinoya accepts me for who i am, why can’t you?! You’re my best friend, Tsukki!....i thought you out of everyone would accept me the most. You don’t show a lot of emotions, i know that better than any one else but...this? us? come on...please tsukki._

_Love, Yams_

_Dear Tsukishima,_

_Everyday...you’re keeping this up everyday. I can’t believe you, Tsukishima. I’ve cried my eyes out ever since that day and here you are flaunting your girlfriend in my face, knowing i— you know what? No. I’m going to try again, tonight. Tonight is some back to school party so i hope to see you there, although i don’t suppose i will, you’ve never been one for parties or anything to do with being around other people. I’m happy for you, btw. You never talked about liking any girls during high school so i guess i just assumed that none of them caught your attention. Oh well, i hope you’re happy with her. ~~even if she isn’t me~~_

_Love, Yams <3 _

_Dear Tsukishima,_

_You helped me last night. Why? I mean, i get it i got a little too tipsy and was tripping over the air but Yachi told me you dragged me out of the party and drove me back to hers and my apartment. I don’t really remember what happened, it’s mostly just fuzzy but i do remember you carrying me to your car and mumbling something, knowing you they were probably insults. I was pretty stupid, i admit but you didn’t have to do that i’m sure i could’ve called yachi to pick me up. I have a pounding headache, is this what being hungover feels like? Feels worse honestly but not like somebody like me would know. Did i say something stupid? God, i hope not. I don’t need you hating me any more than you already do. Well anyways...thank you, Tsukki...for everything._

_Love, Yams <3  
  
_

_Dear Tsukishima,_

_Outings with friends never appealed to either of us but working at the bookshop recently has helped me a lot more than you’d think. The old man and i share the same taste in almost everything which i don’t wether to take as a compliment or concern? You’d probably call me a loser for spending my time hanging out with my old boss during my free time but yachi’s always out with her boyfriend and the apartments so...quiet i kinda hate it. I don’t like being alone._

_Love, Yams <33_

_Dear Tsukishima,_

_Under that whole ‘i don’t care about anybody but myself’ facade you constantly wear, i know you. Pretending you don’t know me or convincing yourself you’re happy with your new friends is a lie and you know it. If we were still friends i’d grab you by your shirt and yell at you to stop faking your happiness and start believing in yourself. you know how to make friends and you never let people walk over you. ...who are you, Tsukki?_

_Love, Yams_

_Dear Tsukishima,_

_Two weeks...jeez i’ve never not written to you for this long. I kinda forgot about these letters honestly. My life’s been kinda crazy recently, i just need to tell somebody. I got a job at a bookstore, real vintage looking and cozy i absolutely love it! The old man that runs it always asks for my advice about how to attract teenagers to the store, i’m not best at that but he really believes in me...for some reason. On a different note, Hinata texted me a week ago— him and kageyama are finally dating! We always knew it was gonna happen but i didn’t think it would take this long, is our bet still on? you owe me $20, kei. Yachi got a boyfriend, he’s pretty wild and jock-like but he’s basically just a himbo— perfect for Yachi! This letters getting pretty long, BYE!!!_

_Love, Yams !!!  
  
_

_Dear Tsukishima,_

_So today was pretty uneventful, sorry about my inconsistency in writing these. I started off writing one everyday or other day but now it’s become a weekly thing, mostly because i keep forgetting. I’ve been forgetting a lot of things recently. I’m usually pretty good at school but i don’t know what’s been happening lately, yachi’s a big help! She’s so smart and pretty, her and her boyfriend got into a fight so she’s back at our place till they figure it out. Speaking of boyfriends, i met someone! well not really, he came into the bookstore today and i just stared longingly at him till he payed for his stuff i want him to come back, i hope he doesn’t punch me in the face if i ask him out haha. Also, sorry for bumping into you in the halls but don’t take it personally, i didn’t mean to plus i bump into everyone. Adios, Tsukki!_

_~~From~~ Love, Yams <3  
  
_

_Dear Tsukishima,_

_Uber driver aren’t supposed to be free service, Tsukki. Stop picking me up at parties asshole, i don’t need you to come and be my fucking babysitter at every party. Let me drink and have fun for once in my life, isn’t that what you used to tell me? That i was too awkward for my own good? Now i’m trying to have fun and be a stupid teenager and here you are, coming to every party and dragging me way like the salty asshole you are. Just leave me alone, okay? I’m giving you the space you wanted and now you want to help? Fuck off_

~~_Love_~~ , _Yams_

_Dear Tsukishima,_

_Killing myself didn’t actually sound as fun after a near death experience. Eh, i’m being dramatic. How is one little seizure gonna kill me? Honestly, i think yachi’s just being over dramatic as always. She keeps saying how i’ve changed recently, even ordered the stupid fucking doctors to take some more stupid fucking tests that I DON’T FUCKING NEED. Anyways...i don’t know why i keep writing these stupid letters if i’ve never sent any of them, pretty naive of me to think i’d ever send you these, huh? You don’t even care about me and yet here i am, whining and bitching to you about my day. Eh bye anyways i guess._

_Love, Yams_

_Dear Tsukishima,_

_It’s been two month since i’ve written. The only reason i’m writing now is because Yachi found my mountains of letters in my room. She said she didn’t read any of them but brought them back as a sort of ‘therapy’ or whatever, who cares. You haven’t come to the hospital since i’ve been diagnosed. Oh! right, i forgot to tell you. I have a brain tumor. haha, surprise! The first time i went after my seizure they didn’t find anything and sent me off home but after a month i had another one and hit my head on the marble countertop and almost bled out...fun times, amiright? oh well, bye i guess._

_Love Yams <3  
  
_

_Dear Tsukishima,_

_So...did you know that hinata and kageyama got engaged? crazy, right? i asked kags why he proposed so early into the relationship and he told me that it didn’t matter how long they’d been officially dating for because he loved him since the first day he set a ball to him. you remember those times? when me and you used to be like that? an inseparable pair that did everything and anything together, everyone on the team was so confused why someone as mean and cold and you would ever be friends with someone like me, or was it the other way around? either way, it didn’t matter. i still loved being around you every second of everyday, not because i liked but because you made me feel...happier. around you i felt safe and...heard for once in my life. i talked, you listened and even after 2 years would pass you’d remember something so small and stupid i’d told you all those years ago. it made me feel...loved. a different love than what the karasuno boys gave me, the boys made me feel like i had a real family but you...you were different. you made me feel like i was on top of the world, like i could overcome any anxieties and hurt that came my way. because when i got in that gym to set a ball, i might as well have been shitting bricks and then i’d look over at you and you’d have that same stupid nonchalant expression on your face but...right in that moment, i knew you believed in me—even when i didn’t believe in myself. so even though i know you could never love me the way i love you....thank you, truly_

_Love, Yams <33_

_Dear Tsukishima,_

_How are you? did you eat today? are you and your girlfriend still together? are you happy? i hope so. i hope you’re doing better than me at least. Doctors say i’m on a waiting list along with a bunch of other people till they have time to do the surgery, they gave me a DNR (do not resuscitate) paper...i’m thinking of signing it. don’t tell yachi that though, she’d kill me— not a pun. they also said the brain tumor as dormant until some sort of drug triggered the process to speed up, i don’t do drugs but yachi told them she suspected by drink to be drugged. fuck whoever spiked me and cut my lifetime in half._ _the old man came by the hospital to see me today he said he misses me at work, apparently my replacement knows nothing of old 60-70’s music as well as i do. he told me about his life and i did the same back, he told me about how when he was younger he had a preference for men as well...never acted on it of course because of the time period but he did fall in love once—his next door neighbor too. his father had caught on how much time he spent over there and how he looked at him, so he beat him till he was blue and said he’d be kicked out of the house if he didn’t marry a woman soon. he did and life went on, he never had any kids but he said i was enough children he needed but...he said he always regretted not packing his bags and running away with the boy to grow old together in a cottage in the wood away from society. do you think we could ever be like that? besides the growing old part cause...y’know. hinata and yachi try to stop me from ‘losing hope’ but i think i lost hope on life a long time ago._

_Love Yams <3  
  
_

_Dear Tsukishima,_

_I love you. sorry, just wanted to say that before i die. do you still feel the same way you did all those years ago? do you still find me repulsive? do you truly hate me? if so, i’m sorry._

_Love Yams <33_

_Dear Tsukishima,_

_My favorite people came over today! i missed the team so much. Daichi, sugawara and kiyoko came in first. Kiyoko had a baby! can you believe it??? she’s daichi and suga’s surrogate mother since they obviously can’t have children. Her name is Haruhi Tadashi Sawamura, nicknamed ‘yammy’, after me of course haha. god she’s the cutest little angel i’ve ever seen, she had kiyoko’s eyes but looks exactly like daichi, like a mini version of him. you should come, if not for me than for everybody else. nishinoya, hinata and kageyama have all become famous volleyball players (i knew they could do it). tanaka is still as wild and amazing as ever. ennoshita’s a father too, his wife’s pregnant with their first child who he promised to name after me. i miss you, kei. why can’t you come back to me? please come back to me..._

_Love Yams <3 _

_Dear Tsukishima,_

_Am i going to die? it feels like i am. these letters are the only thing keeping me going since i’ve lost the ability to form proper sentences. it feels like my brain is scattered...like i don’t know how to speak anymore. i’m forgetting the people i love...and i’m scared. not of dying or losing my memory, i’m scared of forgetting about you. i barley remember what you look like anymore. i just wanna see you before i...—if i forget about you, please don’t forget about me. you can hate me all your life but please don’t forget about me, i couldn’t bear it. do you believe in soulmates? i do...i thought you were mine...but maybe you’re a soulmate who wasn’t meant to be._

_Love Yamaguc—_

The brown hospital door slammed open, bouncing against the hard rubber on the other side of the wall that prevented a would have been hole in the wall. And there he stood— 6’4, blonde hair that’d grown more than the last time he’d seen him, he traded in his old sports glasses for more professional looking ones, and tears rolling down his pale cheeks. 

The green haired boy furrowed his eyebrows together in confusion at the sudden interruption. 

“um...may i help you?” he asked, the blonde boy blinked and shook his head, coming closer to the bed. 

“tadashi, what the fuck?! i mean...seriously?! how could you do this? h-how could not tell me about this?!” tsukishima shouted out in anger, the freckle faced boy flinched at the shouting and felt himself act out of anger back.

”what the fuck dude?! i don’t even know you and here you are lecturing me! who the fuck are you?!” yamaguchi yelled back

tsukishima scoffed, “it’s tsukishima. tsukishima kei” drooping his pencil, yamaguchi stares at the man claiming to be tsukki and shook his head slowly. 

“no...no...no” his head started shaking faster as tsukki moved closer to the blue hospital bed, reaching his hands out to pull them away from the boys hair

”yams—“

”no! no, no, no, no! you’re not...you...” he sputtered out was tears clouded his vision. the blonde man bit his lip roughly at the sight in front of him. yamaguchi tadashi. his best friend. his.... 

dropping everything in his arms, tsukishima grabbed yamaguchi’s head and pulled him into his chest as he cried into the boys lifeless green hair that was once so bright and beautiful. he hated how he felt at this moment. this pain, this squeezing in his chest felt like his insides were turning themselves inside out as punishment. punishment for what he did all those years. all the sadness he’d caused yams, all the times he put tsukki before his own feelings and he just pushed away, all the times they’d spent together, all the times yamaguchi stared at him longingly from across the room and he pretended not to notice, all the times he could’ve spent loving and caring for yams instead of refusing to accept himself for who he really was. 

“i’m sorry, yams. fuck, i hate myself. how could i do this to you? why?why?why?” he squeezed the boy tighter as some sort way to let him know how terrible he felt about what he’d done. 

after 5 minutes of staying in this position, the blonde pulled away from the hug to see yamaguchi’s light brown eyes staring up at him with the same glimmer that used to be there when they were younger. 

“Tsukki? you came back to me!” yams exclaimed excitedly, throwing his arms around the boys torso once again, but this time tsukki didn’t hug back. 

“you...you don’t hate me?” the boy tilted his head at the question 

“why would i hate you? you’re my best friend, tsukki! a couple months of not talking isn’t gonna change that” yamaguchi said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

sucking in a deep breath tsukishima let the dam in eyes completely fall apart as he threw himself into the smaller boys chest, wetting the hospital issued clothing as yamaguchi smiled softly and ran his hands through the boys blonde locks. his breaths stuttered as tsukishima let everything out. he’d never cried this much in his life, not as a child or when he got physically hurt—but on this day, tsukishima kei cried. he cried for yamaguchi. he cried for himself. he cried for his love. he cried for what he could’ve had. he cried for not being there for the one person he’d ever truly loved. he cried...and cried...into the arms of his love. 

“i’m s-sorry, yams. please, please, please don’t leave me!” he cried out desperately. pulling away from the hug, tsukki held yamaguchi’s face in his larger hands.

”i love you! okay? is that what it takes to make you stay?! to fight?! i’ll scream it to everyone in here, i love you yamaguchi tadashi! i should’ve told you what you meant to me! we can keep all our promises, it’ll be us against the world again, just like before! just...just please don’t leave me, tadashi!” tsukishima confessed, desperate for...the gods, the universe, anyone to listen. to listen and let him keep his love. 

yamaguchi kept the smile on his face and reached his hands up to tsukishima’s face and pulled him down, putting their foreheads together. 

“when i come back...i’ll come back to you.” noticing tsukki’s confused expression, he continued. “i’m not meant to be here anymore...i’m tired of fighting, tsukki. but i promise when i come back, i’ll visit you everyday and give you more of these” leaning in closer, yamaguchi connected their lips. it was their first and last kiss together...and they knew it. 

“no, no, no, no coming back. stay here, stay with me.... _please_ ” tsukki begged. the green haired boy didn’t say anything but laid back in his bed and opened his arms, letting the taller boy crawl into his arms and lay his head on his chest. running his hands through his hair softly and rubbing his cheek with his thumb, yamaguchi look a deep breath and took a mental screenshot of the moment, something he could take with him to the next life and find him again. 

“Dear Tsukishima...i love you...” he whispered as his eyes fell closed and his senses began to shut off, till he felt weightless and he left behind this world and onto the next. 

* * *

”tsukishima? oh...wha-what are you doing here?” asked the small girl in a broken voice, her usually pale cheeks were puffy and red, her blonde hair that’s grown up to her shoulders was in a messy bun on top of her head and her once bright brown eyes turned dark and were rimmed with red, an obvious sign that she’d been crying a lot. 

“i-...i’m sorry to do this now but...can i come in?” he asked nervously, yachi stared at him for a moment but ultimately nodded and stepped aside for him to come in. 

“would you like some water or juice?” she asked so quietly he almost didn’t hear her. 

“no thank you, it’s enough just being here” 

“what do you mean?” she asked, sitting on the other side of the couch with him

”you were there...that day i...i hurt yams. in high school. you probably hate me right now and i don’t blame you, i hate myself too...” he sighed and put his face in his hands, yachi sniffled and moved closer on the couch.

”i don’t think i have to tell you how much he loves you, kei. words can’t describe how much he loves you...but sometimes, words are what you need” tsukki furrowed his eyebrows together at her words, “the closet, to the left on top of the shelf. it’s for you” she smiled softly, that being that first time she had since the day yamaguchi left. 

Springing up from the couch, tsukki turned the corner in their apartment and opened the first door he saw which had obviously been yamaguchi’s room. closing the door behind him, kei stood in the middle of the room taking it all in. the last time he’d been here was when he brought him back after he got drunk at a party. 

the room smelled of pumpkin scented candles and old books. the room was clean yet filled with random books and clothes sprawled on the floor, a poster of his favorite band over his bed and his bed half made. 

following yachi’s instructions, tsukki went into the closet and easily reached the top shelf, imagining how many times yams got on his tippy toes to reach the it and pulled out a shoe box. he walked over to sit on the bed as he carefully opened the old shoe box. inside held what looked like hundreds of letters all tied together by a rubber band, almost making it the size of his hand.

once he slowly peeled off the rubber band, he opened the first one and gasped. 

_Dear Tsukishima,_

_I am so so so so sorry for today. I didn’t mean to scare you off or make you angry, i’m sorry for making you punch me in the face. I wish i didn’t love you and i’m sorry i do because you don’t like me back and i would never want to make you uncomfortable or hate me...kinda already did that though, huh? Also, sorry about Kageyama trying to defend me by grabbing your shirt— that was mean and i already told him to apologize, although i don’t think he actually will. Yachi and Hinata are pissed...i’m sorry, tsukki. please don’t hate me._

_Love, Yams <3_

And again, the tears began to fall. i guess this what you’d expect from tadashi, always putting others feelings before his even though they were in the wrong. he remembers this like it was yesterday, but in all honesty? he never actually understood why he punched him that day. anger? shock? internalized homophobia? probably that one. 

why, why, why, why, WHY? how could he ever hurt tadashi like that when all he’s ever done is love him unconditionally. 

it was only by the last one that the waterworks had began to come out uncontrollably. yamaguchi may not have looked like all that to anyone else, but he was incredibly smart and left behind a message in certain notes in an order that only tsukki would figure. when matching up specific notes of specific days, all down in one row the first word in each sentence spelled out “I Love You, Tsukishima”. looking around the room, tsukki opened up the nearest notebook and pen and began writing

_Dear Yamaguchi,_

_Yes,_ _yams, i do believe in soulmates, i just never thought someone like me would ever have one. you’ve always been so kind and beautiful to those around you i never thought someone as perfect as you could ever love me when i never even loved myself. now i know...you are mine and i am yours...i just wish i could’ve told you sooner. ~~if~~ when you come back to me, i will hold you just as close, i will not take you for granted, i will spend every second of everyday with you and never ever hurt you the way i did before. and when it’s my time to go—_ _wait for me, okay?_

_Love, Tsukishima <3_

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, i hope you enjoyed this story and probably cried lol. pls make sure to share this story to your friends so more people can cry about it <33 do not repost on wattpad as i will be posting it on there soon and do not repost or copy it on any other website. thank you!  
> Love, Author-chan <33


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